profile-of-sad-man-seated-in a window-men-get-help-with-depression
Do you think you might be struggling with depression? Are you worried about feeling weak or ashamed if you talk to someone about your feelings? It’s not uncommon for men to resist coming to therapy when they feel depressed. The shame they feel about talking about their feelings seems to them to outweigh the pain their depression is causing them.
The Shame of Men and Depression
Men who experience depression may know that something isn’t right with them. However, they may be afraid to say something because of shame. This shame can take many forms, including:
Believing you are weak.
Thinking you can handle things on your own.
Saying, “I should be able to fix it.”
Worried that your depression could jeopardize your career or work relationships.
Not feeling like you are in control.
Coping with Depression
Instead of getting help with depression, many men will choose to use a coping mechanism. This is an effort to make the feelings go away and to regain a sense of control in their lives. What they do not want is to face those feelings and recognize how depression is having a negative impact on their lives.
Crisis and Men with Depression
Some men don’t seek out help until they have reached a crisis in their lives, such as
Drinking and/or using drugs to the point that they are in danger of losing their jobs and their relationships;
Having an affair that threatens their marriage;
Engaging in reckless behavior, such as drunk driving, that leads to a serious accident or an arrest.
Finally Seeking Help with Depression
In a previous post, I talked about how men who externalize their feelings—engaging in behaviors to try to get rid of the feelings instead of experiencing them—are often reluctant to come to therapy. Sharing what they’re feeling can leave these men feeling exposed and vulnerable. Instead of talking about their depression, these men will focus first on the crisis situation that has developed in their lives in an effort to determine how to fix it. It’s very important that therapists not try to force men who are uncomfortable talking about their feelings to do so before they’re ready. The most important thing is to build a relationship in which men feel that they’re are in a safe place, where they won’t be judged. This can take time but, only once a sense of safety has been created, will men be willing to go deeper to address the root cause of their issues.
An Example of the Guarded Man
One example of this situation comes from the television series The Sopranos. In the show, Tony Soprano seeks out a therapist because he is starting to have problems at “work” where his depression symptoms might expose his vulnerability to his “colleagues.” He doesn’t even realize he has depression at first. However, his therapist is able to create a rapport with him where, gradually, over the course of the series, he is able to open up and be vulnerable to her.
Not Just for Tough Guys
Not all men closed off to depression treatment are the stereotypical “tough guy.” Many men who are compassionate, caring, and sensitive to their partners and families will still avoid talking about depression because of the shame it causes. Women are not immune to this behavior, either. However, my experience has been that the pressures on men to conform to a particular masculine ideal often make it particularly difficult for them to acknowledge their depression.
Why Do Men Struggle with Depression?
Men are still influenced by perceptions of masculinity that go back decades or more, when men were supposed to be tough and strong, and not show their emotions. Even though more men today are open and willing to have these discussions, perceptions of what it means to “be a man” still exist. This is perhaps best documented in the book Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys, which describes how men learn from childhood about the emotional expectations our culture places on them.If you think you have depression, don’t put off getting help. The effects of depression can have a negative impact, not only on you, but on all of the people who care for you. While therapy may be uncomfortable at first, it can offer you relief from your suffering and help you feel better about yourself and your life.Click here to read about the symptoms of depression in men.Click to learn more about depression therapy and treatment with Jane Rubin, Ph.D.